


Expecto Amicum

by SophieSwiftieSammy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bullying, Friendship, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Post-War, Pre-Slash, no names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23477050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieSwiftieSammy/pseuds/SophieSwiftieSammy
Summary: Two lonely teenagers after the war are prisoners of their own problems. Deceived and hurt, they seek understanding in each other, attempting to find the strength to trust the enemy.
Relationships: Harry Potter(/)Draco Malfoy
Kudos: 10





	1. 1st September

**Author's Note:**

> There are no names in this work. I hope though that you can guess them yourselves. I didn't include them because for those two it must be really painful as they associate the names with the horrible events they lived through.

I escape the suffocating room… uh sorry, the Hall that was once great and stride down to the lake. Nothing is covered in ashes now, but I can almost feel them under my feet. It’s weird how war can take so much from you. Even something you actually never had.

I want to be alone for a while. Everyone seems to want something from me, to congratulate me. Even my friends made me stand there for a whole hour and answer questions. I don’t want to be there anymore! I’ve done everything for them, and now they want to take my peace away from me too?!

Friends. Huh. Turns out I never had friends. The real kind, when a person is always there for you no matter what. Acquaintances, dorm neighbors, but never friends. No. Sometimes I wish I could change my life and actually go somewhere I could possibly have friends.

I walk down to the lake shore, and the wind seems to cool me down. It’s late, and the moon is up already. Music can’t be heard from down here, and I smile for the first time today. It feels like it’s been ages since I last smiled.

I see another figure in the distance. It’s not moving, it’s just standing there near the water as well. Curious, I decide to fake a walk and move closer to check who it is. Wait a minute… blonde hair, skinny figure, a long-sleeved shirt no matter the temperature… I know who that is. But what is he doing here?

“Hello” I say awkwardly, standing about a meter away from him and keeping the distance. I don’t even know why I decided to talk to him.

“Nice to see you here” he spits out, but doesn’t walk away. This gives me a head start. “What, you don’t want to be in the middle of the celebration? Here’s to the war!” he mocks, and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have found someone who actually thinks like me.

“I don’t want a celebration” I retort. “I just want some peace. I earned it.”

“Of course, you did” he hisses. “You can always earn something. The Golden…”

“Don’t you dare call me that!” I scream before I realize it. He lifts an eyebrow, but it seems to me that he’s sort of glad to hear it. “I’m just a normal teenager. Okay? And I feel like I’ll never be in peace.”

“You’re not the only one” he states calmly, almost absentmindedly scratching his left arm near the wrist. Oh, I know what he’s thinking of. And I suddenly realize… I understand. My whole life I’ve been doing practically the same thing he’s doing now. “Those little… never mind” he looks away, and I notice he winces when he lifts up his left shoulder.

A stunning realization hits me. They haven’t been hurting him, have they? Oh no. The war is over, where is all the hatred coming from? I open my mouth to ask, but he interrupts me.

“Oh, don’t you dare take pity on me. Not you.”

And I understand what he means. He knows, he feels I’m struggling too. He knows I can relate.

“Can I… can I see it?” I ask, deliberately not specifying what I want to see, hoping he’ll get it right. He does, but hides his left arm from view so that I can’t reach it, even though I’m standing to his left. “Sorry. I uh… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Forget it” he returns to his relaxed state, and I exhale, realizing I’ve been holding my breath. “Thank you, by the way. For Mother and Father.”

I am shocked, but I can’t show it to him. I know he’s talking about the court where I put all my powers into protecting him and his family. I still don’t know why I’ve done it, but it felt so right to see him walk away free. My… friends never understood. They thought I was crazy, but I couldn’t let them do this to him and his parents. Out of everyone I know he’s definitely not the one who deserved this.


	2. 14th September

The next time we meet is in two weeks.

I vaguely recall the reason I quarreled with my friends. It was probably some minor thing again – I can’t remember. But I screamed, screamed so hard they got scared. I screamed the same way I do in my nightmares almost every night.

He’s already by the lake. Standing at the exact same spot I found him last time. At first, I’m scared to approach but he starts the conversation first, surprising me.

“Here again?”

“Huh. You too” I say, coming closer and noticing him cuddling his left arm close to his chest. This September is the warmest I can remember, and yet he’s still wearing his white long-sleeved shirt. I think I know why.

“I didn’t think I should clear my schedule through you.”

“Can you shut up?” I ask, though not really mad. I sort of know he doesn’t really mean it. I mean, the insults. He does it more out of habit than anything. “It’s quiet” I add, after he actually listens to me and stops talking.

“Not like in your perfect room, huh?” he smirks, though much quieter. “I know. Mine is the same.”

“I thought after the war you all play nice guys and go to bed early” I mock and immediately regret it.

“Don’t you dare talk of things you don’t know anything about!” he yells, desperately trying to hide his arm from me. “I… I come here every night” he says, looking at the water. I sigh and have a sudden desire to calm him down.

“I wish I could too” I say and bite my lip. “Nightmares?”

“You?” he retorts, and I take it as a yes. I stay silent and hope he gets it right. He does. “I see… him. Mother and him. And Father.”

“Just him” I tell him, knowing we both understand all too well who we’re talking about. Interestingly, after the war I have absolutely no wish to call him by his name, whatever he wanted to be known as. “I see him standing there. He doesn’t… talk” I state carefully.

“He never did” he smirks and cocks his head to the side. “It seemed like words were hard work for him. But he didn’t need them, actually. His very presence was… enough.”

“To me, it seemed like he only talked when he needed to humiliate someone, me in particular” I decide to come closer. My desire to see his arm awakens suddenly with renewed force. “Do you still refuse to… show me…”

Last time we had a nice conversation, aside from the awkward moment with the arm. I really don’t want to ruin it all again because it’s starting to seem like he’s the only one who understands. In the whole wide world. Hell, he had the beast live in his own home! That is saying something. I actually admire him.

“No” he says, although this time more calmly. “I won’t show it.”

“I… did they hurt you again?” I ask sternly, noticing the way he winces when he moves his left arm. “I’ve seen them do a bit of this and that…”

“I didn’t think it was your business” he drawls. “I am fine.”

“I can tell” I exhale, trying to keep calm. “Let me see.”

“No!” he jerks away from me. “No.”

“O-okay” I say quietly. “If you, uh… ever need to talk, or if you need some help, I am always there. I think I will retire. Tomorrow is a long day.”

I turn around and walk back to the dorm. I almost disappear from his view when I hear a quiet “Goodnight”. And this, this is worth so much more than everything my friends have ever said to me.


	3. 31st October

When I was fourteen, they organized a ball for Christmas. Now I’m eighteen, and four years later here we are – a ball again, this time for Halloween, and I still have absolutely no desire to go. I would appreciate it if I didn’t have to come and could spend my time by the lake – but there will be no escaping the castle tonight, unfortunately. So, I shudder, plucking a thread from my shirt and looking at it in disgust. As if the shirt is to blame.

To tell the truth, Halloween has never been a happy day for me. It was the day when he… well. I don’t want to recall it. But still, the images, as if I actually remember them, come to my mind, and I feel like curling up in a ball right in the middle of the Hall and crying. I haven’t cried since the beginning of the war. I just couldn’t show my weaknesses to my friends. And after… I was too closed and lonely to cry.

Now I’m lonely too. Except for… no. I am not. His company keeps me alive. He is there. He is always there. We haven’t once fought this year, just a couple of disagreements, but it’s okay. We’ve met, like, four… five… six more times after his first “Goodnight”? He’s never been boring, we seem to always find a topic, whether it’s the war, him, class or something else. With him, I feel free, unlike with my dorm mates.

Is he here? I suddenly think. Did he come? Is he dancing with a girl while I’m standing by the wall? Something burns inside me, and I rush to think about something else. Not him. But what else am I supposed to think of? Today is the worst day of my life. I shudder again and leave the Hall. To hell with it, they’ll somehow last the night without me.

I can’t leave the castle tonight, so I wander through the halls until I find a giant room. It’s cold and unwelcoming, but it feels familiar somehow. I enter and suddenly realize why. There is a big spot on one of the walls, it goes from the floor almost to the ceiling. This is the place I used to come to when I was eleven. Was that… only seven years ago? Feels like a lifetime.

I take off my robes and shoes and walk through the room until I subconsciously find the place I used to sit all those years ago. Wow… That feels… comforting. Sort of. I bite my lip and stare at the wall, as if there was something there. I wish he was here. If I am right and he does understand, perhaps I could tell him?

“What happened?” a familiar voice asks me. Speak of the devil, I guess?..

“Nothing” I reply, but my voice is stuttering. “You not at the ball?”

“As if you are” he smirks. “What is this place anyway?”

“Don’t you know?” I look back at him. “Oh… right. I’m sorry. You see… I used to come here when I was eleven to…” I stop myself.

“You used to come here when you were eleven to…” he repeats. “No. Don’t talk. I understand.”

“You do?” I lift an eyebrow. “But how?”

“Oh please” he mocks. “Everyone was talking about that. Do you think I am deaf or stupid?”

“Not really” I shake my head. “How did you find me?”

“Just walking around” he waves his hand at me. Only then do I notice he’s not even wearing robes. He’s wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and black pants. As usual. Right… how could he go to the ball? I shouldn’t have asked. As if there was one girl who’d want to go with him…

“Listen, I’m sorry I asked about the ball. I didn’t think…”

“Oh, shut it. I know you didn’t mean it” he says and comes closer. Silence falls.

“I still think of them, you know?” I start talking, not even noticing how he looks at me. “Every year, on this very day. It’s not a holiday, it’s a nightmare. He took everything I had from me!” I shout. “He’d been doing this all my life, even when I couldn’t understand anything! Why…” he interrupts me.

“Have you cried?” he asks patiently.

“Not since…” I stop myself.

“Me neither… since sixteen” I know what he’s hinting at. I remember the girls’ bathroom, water on the floor and his never-ending tears… “Maybe it is time.”

“No” I tell him. I will not show him my tears! But then again… who, apart from him, could possibly understand?

“You shouldn’t keep it all inside” he tells me. “This isn’t good. Don’t play the hero when you don’t need to. We’ve both had enough.”

And this phrase is a kind of trigger. The first tear falls from my eye, then a second, then a third… He looks at me, and I suddenly burst into tears, finally releasing all the pain I’ve been carrying with me all those years. All the deaths I’ve seen, all the suffering I’ve withstood, the loneliness, the conversations under the moonlight, everything just starts coming out of me with loud sniffs and a lot of tears. And then I feel his arms around me, he’s cuddling me close and burying his face in my shoulder. My shirt is getting wet, and I realize he’s crying too. I carefully put my left arm around him and touch his wrist with the other. And suddenly… he lets me do it. I don’t want to push it, so I don’t unbutton his sleeve, but I put my hand on that spot nevertheless, trying to tell him it’s fine. And for the first time he lets me.


	4. 24th December

It’s almost midnight, around eleven-thirty.

I am walking down a small path covered in snow. The sky is clear tonight, and I enjoy the starlight. Absentmindedly I look for him. He is supposed to be here… Has he gone away? Well, not like we made a deal to meet but…

Since Halloween we’ve been seeing each other much more often. On that fateful day I dared to put my hand on the spot, and he never said anything against it. Actually, I never tried it again, but I have a feeling he wouldn’t mind. We’ve become much closer, I guess I can say we’re friends. Of course, no one knows. I asked him once, and he told me he’d rather we keep it secret. I cannot say I disagree.

I walk back, retracing my own footsteps and wishing he was here. Suddenly I hear voices coming from near the forest. It’s a group of boys, perhaps my age or a little younger. Uh, no, actually, I can see the shadows – definitely younger. I can’t see clearly, but I know for a fact I don’t know these boys. They are shouting, fighting, maybe. They’re screaming something, and then I notice the boys are standing in a circle around someone who I cannot really see, but he’s keeping silent. Proud. Wait… they’re bullying him!

“You filthy snake” one of them hisses too loudly, and I freeze. “How dare you walk the grounds?! Your place is in A…”

“That’s enough” I say, hoping it’s loud enough for them to hear. “Do you really think it’s fair to attack someone alone?”

“You!” the same boy turns around and looks at me in disgust. “Protecting him, huh? Oh, our little boy’s got his father in prison! Needed to find a new bodyguard?” he mocks. I don’t even know the boy! How dare he say things like that about stuff he has no idea about?!

“Shut up” I growl, approaching the group. “Or else…”

“What? You can’t do anything to us, do you know that? We are younger!” another boy tells me with a smirk on his face. “Even so. We can always say it was him” he pointed at him. Oh no… all this time… they’ve been doing this to him? All on one? And he has never once told me?! I understand him quite well, but I’m still mad. Mostly because of these little brats who think they can do whatever they want. “And he won’t be able to get out of it as easily.”

“Listen” I barely hold back my anger. “I am not going to argue with you because I’m better than that. So be grateful and get out of here immediately, or my patience is going to come to an end soon.”

I know I can’t really hurt them, but a little bit of fear won’t hurt. Right now I realize how much worse the situation is. A lot worse than I expected. I need to talk to him, maybe tell him to protect himself… He is scared, and I can understand it. But he needs to do something about it, I won’t let him be taunted until the end of the year. Worse, it probably won’t stop after school, he’ll be taunted everywhere. And he needs to learn to stand up for himself.

The kids leave, spitting on the fresh fallen snow and looking at him in disgust. I barely manage to stop myself from punching them. Four, five, six, seven… they just ganged up on him, didn’t they?! Oh, they think it’s fair! But during the war there have been hundreds of us! We’ve never been short in numbers! It’s never fair to gang up on someone! Never.

“I would’ve been fine without your help” he says, standing up. I can tell though that it’s hard for him, and then I notice he’s limping. They beat him?! How regularly do they do it?!

“I can tell” I reply darkly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I await a sarcastic response, but it never comes. Huh. I guess we did learn to be calm and honest with each other.

“And what would it have changed? You heard them. You cannot hurt them, or else they will say it was me. Do you even realize what will happen next? No one, I repeat, no one will listen. They barely let me in school, no, they barely let me walk away free from court. Do you seriously think they will care about a De…”

“Stop it” I say, putting a hand on his shoulder and leaning him against a tree. “This is not what you deserve, and we both know it. I will not be your “bodyguard”, as they suggested, but one word from you, and I don’t know what I will do to them. I care for you, and I will not stand back and watch you being tormented.”

He blushes, and then I realize what I just said. Oh no. Could he have taken it the wrong way? I doubt it.

“You cannot always be there” he retorts, although his voice is tired. “You cannot always follow me. And above that, I think tomorrow the whole school will know about us.”

“You are saying it so calmly I’m beginning to doubt you have something against it” I smirk, noticing the way his face changes.

“You’re stupid” he tells me. “Now is not the time for me to care about a reputation. My manor is destroyed, Father is in prison, Mother has been sent away… I am being bullied, for Merlin’s sake. I doubt they can say something that will honestly hurt me.” I sincerely doubt that. That boy has always been strong, but he’s emotional and is always holding grudges. “You, on the other hand…” he pauses. “Would you really want to be seen with a Dea…”

“Now would you stop calling yourself that?!” I shout. “Because it’s wrong! It may have been so in the past, but it’s definitely not what I see now! You’ve never been a proper… well, what you are trying to say. And no, if you’d like to know, I do not care who I am seen with. I only wanted to protect you!”

“Whatever” he waves his hand at me. “You haven’t seen my arm.”

“What’s there to see?” I ask tiredly.

“I don’t know” he remarks sarcastically. “You kept asking, though.”

“I just…” I sigh and gather all my courage to tell him the truth behind my desire. I only realized it a couple of months ago and didn’t know what to do with that kind of truth. “I wanted to see it because that way I can show you it’s alright to have it. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Nothing bad will happen if I see it” I tell him.

“I don’t want to show it” he slumps against the tree, and I see him relax. Well, if it isn’t my words that made him relax… He looks satisfied and… sort of happy. He’s smiling. I can’t help the bubble of happiness in my chest. That’s the first time I’ve felt it in ages…

“It’s fine” I tell him. “It’s fine.”

And then I notice the way he’s standing. He’s wearing a winter coat so I cannot see his arms, but he’s not curled up in a ball anymore the way he was when I found him. His arms are wide open, and his left arm is stretched out too.

The clock somewhere in the distance strikes twelve.

“Merry Christmas” I smile and approach him. Suddenly he pulls me into a hug.

“Merry Christmas.”


	5. 22nd March

Is it really March though? I sincerely doubt that. This year winter has been quite harsh, but it was over pretty quickly. Right now we don’t even have snow anymore. It’s quite warm, and I’m wearing my usual sweater. That seems enough.

It’s daytime. The sun is shining, and I slip into my thoughts, absentmindedly reflecting back on this year. It’s almost over now. After that I’ll have to go find a job, get married, have kids… but I don’t want to. All I want is… understanding. Someone by my side who doesn’t see a war hero or a chosen child… someone who just sees me. And only he can give me that. He trusts me, that I know. We’ve talked about lots of things. How he misses his family, how he realized his father has been wrong all along, how he tries to be better for once, to fix his mistakes… Somehow, I know that he’s never been bad. He’s never been the kind of person even I believed him to be. I told him that once. That night ended in him clinging to me and explaining his last two years, when the beast lived in his home. I took it calmly, knowing he had to talk. I’ve become a good listener. But he makes me talk too. It seems to me he’s the only one who’ll actually listen.

So, what do I do after school? That’s quite an open question. I don’t want to live according to their orders anymore, but what else is there? I have to think, or they’ll just make me do what they want.

“Leave me alone” I hear his voice suddenly. He actually rarely talks during the day, so it must be something important… something bad. I’ve taught him to at least try to stand up for himself, even though he protested. So that means…

I rush to the left, frantically looking for him. I know he’s strong and he can handle it… but what if he’s right and they’ll tell on him? That would be a disaster!

“Oh, but why should I?” I freeze. That is… no, no! That is my best friend! How dare he… I lose my train of thought for a second, then regain myself and stride down to the lake. “You have no right…”

“Shut it” he spits out. “And don’t look at me like that.”

Oh, so the sarcastic boy has returned, I see. I feel something warm spread in my chest. It feels good to see him like that. To see him get over the nightmares he’s had all year.

“How dare you insult me?!” my friend shrieks. “You…”

“I insulted you?” he asks incredulously. “When and how, may I ask? It’s you who started it!”

A couple of years ago I would’ve started a fight because of these words. Now… now I have no reason not to believe him. I feel bad for my friend, but he… not that he won’t hurt a fly, but he never starts a fight first. Now that I think of it… he actually never did. He did pick fights with me… but all the time I threw the first punch, not him. And it’s always been me who started insulting him, not vice versa. How could I have not realized it before?

“Oh, right. And it was definitely me who was guilty but escaped prison” my friend adds smugly. I freeze again in shock. That is so not like him! What’s gotten into him?! “And whose fault is that?! Now he’s always with you” it hits me. He’s talking about me. He’s… don’t tell me he’s jealous because I spend time with him?! “You stole my best friend!”

“Oh please” he mocks. “I think your precious friend can choose himself who to spend time with. Don’t you think he’s old enough to do that?” He’s protecting me, I realize suddenly. A smile makes its way to my lips.

“Stop it right now, both of you” I can’t stand there and listen to them talk about me. “You think you’re my best friend? Then have the courage to say it to my face! Why are you insulting him?! What did he do?”

“I can take care of myself” he remarks sarcastically. “Why are you even here?”

“I was taking a walk” I sigh. “What?” I turn to my friend, who is looking at me with fury. “Do you have something to add?”

“You don’t wanna go making friends with the wrong sort” he spits out into my face. I hear him snort and am suddenly reminded of a situation all those years ago. I was eleven, and I heard the exact same phrase, but from… him. And now I have to choose. Either I stay silent and lose him, or I…

“I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks” I recite my answer from a distant past, and he bursts out laughing. My best friend (is he now?) rounds his eyes, and then it hits him.

“So you’re sided with him now” he is positively hurt. I am too – it’s hard to break a friendship that’s lasted so many years. But… but if he keeps up that war even after the real war is over, I have no other choice. It’s stupid to be like that, and we all know it. Though… some people don’t seem to understand that quite yet. “I’d better get going then.”

He leaves. If this happened a couple of years ago, I’d chase after him. Not now, though. It’s his choice to leave. And it’s my choice to stay.

He’s still laughing, his right hand resting on a tree bark. “Oh god, that was the best thing I’ve ever heard!”

“I know. History repeats itself” I smile at him and immediately realize I don’t want this to end. Whatever it is between us – friendship, companionship – I want to keep it. He bites his lip and looks at me, still smiling widely.

“I can help with that” he says, also quoting himself. I crack a grin and accept his hand. “There you go. Could’ve saved us all the trouble if you only were a bit smarter before.”

“Oh, shut it” I tell him and immediately start laughing. Then I hear footsteps and see… everyone leaving. Does that mean they’ve been there the entire time? Oh, history does repeat itself. The previous time he’s also said that to me in front of everyone. “Do you know everyone has seen us?” I ask.

“Do you?” he retorts. “Well, I do not mind. Hey…” he trails off and becomes serious. “I think I need to thank you.”

“What for?” I lift my eyebrows.

“For everything” he looks me in the eye. “Oh, don’t you make me say that.”

“Okay” I nod. “So, how would you like to thank me?” I ask in a serious tone. He looks away for a moment, as if making up his mind.

“Come here” he grabs me by the sweater and yanks me closer. I stare at him questioningly, but he only sighs exasperatedly and unbuttons his left sleeve. I freeze again. Woah… is he going to...

He rolls up his shirt and stretches out his arm, showing me it. I hold my breath. I can’t believe this. I don’t move for a while, but then I notice his pained face. His mask is gone, leaving a scared, scarred boy for me to see. I know he feels bad about it. I need to show him…

I carefully lift up my hand and take him by the wrist. With the fingers of the other I touch it, carefully running my fingers over the black thing on his arm. I don’t want to name it, but the name doesn’t matter. What matters is that I don’t care what this is. It’s a part of him, a part of his development, and I will accept it. I already have.

He stares at me with wide eyes as I caress the spot. And then… then he relaxes, lets me touch it and… smiles.


	6. 1st June

This is it. The last day here. I look behind at the castle that’s become a home to me. The exam period is over, and I’m free to do whatever I want. Or am I?

I walk to the station alone, pulling my bag with my left arm and trying to remember the journey as well as I can. These eight years were the worst and the best in my life. I won’t change them for the world. Here I met my first friend, here I risked my life, here I had my first kiss, here I was happy and free and confused and lonely in the best way. I suddenly remember that old half-country, half-pop song he played on his gramophone all the time. We used to spend nights in his room after that day in March, talking and laughing and singing. That song I turned on for him. It quickly became his favorite, and I was taken by surprise. I thought he liked different kinds of music, but this… Actually, I fell in love with the song as well. We danced to it so many times I’ve lost count.

I smile sadly. Has it all really come to an end? Is it all over now? I don’t want it to be over. I want him to be within reach, like he has been all year. There it is. The train. Now is… well, now it’s time to let go and leave. Well, it’s harder than it seems.

I almost get on when I feel someone tapping me on the shoulder. I turn around and see… him. He’s standing right there, smiling at me, his blonde hair sparkling in the sun. Wait a minute… he’s wearing a T-shirt!

“Hello” he says.

“Hey” I reply. “How does it feel, leaving this place?”

“This is the worst and best feeling I’ve ever had” he confesses, and I can’t agree more.

“For me too” I tell him. “Getting hot, I see” I gesture at his new attire.

“Well” he cocks his head to the side. “It is summer, isn’t it? Time to change.” I know him too well to think he’s only talking about clothes. I understand what he’s trying to say. And I love the fact he said that.

“Come with me” I blurt out without thinking. “Let’s change names, go somewhere… where no one knows who we are. Let’s start over.”

“I think we started over back in March” he laughs. “H… Hans.”

My eyes widen.

“Well… Drake” I accept his game. “Come on. Let’s get on the train.”

And sitting with him in one compartment, without any other people, with the beautiful nature out the window and my right hand on top of his left arm, I suddenly really feel free.


End file.
